I stay here against my own will!

by Xiaoyan Li

This word that said by Alexandra Patz has stayed in mind since the first day I met her in Central Park. I couldn’t understand it. I wanted to know why.

It was an overcast Tuesday afternoon that I was determining to find someone who was willing to be interviewed about the election. Several parents stayed around taking care of their kids who were playing on the grass. I talked to them one by one. Alex was the only one that didn’t refuse me. She was sitting there alone and covering herself with a quilt.

“Would you like to be interviewed, I know you may not have time, I am just trying to find someone.”

“yes, we could do that.”

It was hard for me to understand her at that time. From immigrants who I met before, they all felt lucky to be here, including me. How could she say she stays here against her own will? As what I had learned, South Africa was a place where people wanted to leave. How could she say South Africa is her dream, her home?

There were two smiling pumpkins sitting outdoor because Hollowness was coming. At 10 o’clock, I pressed the doorbell to her Brooklyn apartment. And then Alex opened the door for me. I noticed that she didn’t wear her shoes and looked so happy and free like a little girl. It was a big apartment filled with sunshine.

In the old photo was Alex. She was playing on the grass in front of the house where she grew up in Johannesburg, South Africa.

“Does your family still own that house?

“No. But sometimes there is open house. I would go back and have a look.”

“How did you feel?”

“A little sad.”

It was in this house that she spent her happy childhood. It was in this house that her mother killed herself.

“Our house was old but quite big with a swimming pool, fish pond, a big tire swing, beautiful garden, vegetable garden and two live in full time maids and a full time gardener. There were lots of places for children to play and high, like little shades, little bushes and caves. We had beautiful Labrador dogs, my mom used to braze them and they had puppies.

When we were little, we just play outside. The weather was always nice and the sun was always shine. We could swim 9 month a year. And we were five children and our neighbors, the neighboring house also had five children. And each house had four girls and one boy. And the boys were the same age. So our parents just built a ladder a stair over the fence between the two houses. So we ten children would be together all the time.

The country was beautiful so we had beautiful vacations.

“I had a very happy childhood in South Africa which maybe people should blame us because obviously it was at the expense of other people.”

Her first exposure to apartheid

Alex grew up under apartheid. She went to all whites and girls only school. The education system was colonial English system. When she was a small child, she hadn’t been aware of it. The black people in her life were mainly servants and maids. She had no black friends. As she got older, she gradually learned it at school. “There was a feeling, certainly it wasn’t, fair, I was aware how hard the life were both the maids and the people, the black people as I knew.” But the public school allowed the teachers mention the situation in a limited way.

In 1986, the government declared a state of emergency because of the riots. There was a lot of violence in South African, political violence, especially in the townships. Government could imprison people without trial. Army was in the township with tanks shooting, teargases, bullet, at the people protesting.

That year, she was 13. She occasionally attend a private high school which was mixed race school. The school was left political leaning school and became a kind of political harbor bay for the democratic figure of color. Mandela’ grand children were there.

“Since it was a private school, they weren’t subjected to the rules of the public schools. So the very first unit we did in this school was talking about apartheid, the history of the system in the country.

I rode the bus to the school next to a girl who was black girl. Who lived in the township near my house which is black living area, very horrible place. Very grisly story came from this black girl. She would tell me about life in the township about these kind of things. Her family was in trouble all the time. Her brothers were arrested, people getting hurt. It was a huge exposure for me. I never spoke to someone of my age for extended periods of time who was black. I had no idea what life was like for her, for children there. But she was definitely telling those stories all the time. I found it was too much for me. It was dramatic. I think that was my first exposure to apartheid. Actually after one semester, I said wouldn’t be at this school anymore. So I went back to her neighborhood, public all white, all girls, quiet little school where I do not need to hear anything and know anything about what was going on in the country.”

Her mother’s death changed her life hugely. She had two little twin sisters who were only five years old when her mother died. They both have some mental disability. Because everyone else in her family all lived their own life and had no interest in the twins, including her father. Alex was in some way chose to be responsible for the twins. They needed a lot of help because of their mental disability. So she looked after the twins and helped them with everything. While they were in South Africa, for the next two and a half year, they had a lot of support. Maids and family friends would help them. In some way, those years were okay for them. But once they moved to the states, life became very grim quickly. “There was nobody, no family friends, no maids, no help. Taking care of the twins really fell to me.”

Alex’s father is American. He came to South Africa to work and married her mother. He had been gone 25 years and he wanted to come back at that point. He was concerned about the future of South Africa. It was starting to change and apartheid was ending. And he was very keen for his children to live here to keep their US citizenship.

On a frigid cold day, they moved to a small village in Michigan which is his father’s hometown, just 5000 people on the border of Michigan. A lot of people were on welfare. Her father bought a little store there selling beers, cigarettes and sweets. Because he lost the store and they lived on welfare in this very poor town for many years. “So my time in America was very hard. We were very poor. We had a great life in South Africa. It was a real disaster of immigration and all of us were very unhappy in America.”

Her father had no interest in the twins’ social and emotional well being, how they were feeling or what was happening in their lives. He was very distracted by his own financial worries. He also refused to claim social security for his two mentally disabled daughters. That caused a lot of trouble. So the care of the twins really fell to Alex. “That was huge. There was also the guilt over that. I always felt guilty that I wasn’t doing well enough. They didn’t have what other children have. I was trying to find love for them and help for them and find an older woman that would look after them all the time.” When she went to college, it was very hard for her to leave them to go. So she chose a college that was nearby, where she could see them every weekend.

But she really want to go back to South Africa. She finished university here, studying to be a teacher. Her goal was to go back to South Africa as soon as she could. And she did that when she was 22. “ There was huge amount of guilt there with leaving the twins, and they wouldn’t be okay with my dad. But I went on my own life anyway.”

She got a teaching job in Jannesburg. She taught in the third grade. It was 1995, a year after South Africa became a democratic nation and was now what we called a new South Africa. The job was in a school that had been an all white school under apartheid but now it opened to all races. Because it was very near a black township, it filled up immediately with all black students. But the staff was all the old staff from the old school. “So it was a very interesting time to teach in South Africa because everything was new. The old syllabus was gone but there wasn’t a new one yet. The children and the teachers learned together about the new president Mandela, the new flag. Everything was new. It was fun because it was an exciting time and there was a lot of hope. The families were very happy to have their children in the school. Many of them had them go to school themselves. The parents were illiterate.”

When she was teaching in South Africa, she met a South African man and married him. He had no interest in South Africa and wanted to immigrate. It is common for young people in South Africa to immigrate to America or Europe. But Alex didn’t want to. “I worked so hard to go back! I had a life there with close family friends. I didn’t want to immigrate. I knew what was there. I knew where I was going to. I was so depressed left South Africa. But he wanted to.” So they immigrated.

After listening to the whole complicated and twisted story from Alex, I think I finally understand why she says she stay here against her own will. When I met her in central park, she had been lived here 16 years since her second immigration. That day her son was taking an outdoor class and the teacher required parents be there. “We will live here forever. Having Douglas(her son) here and raising him here and watching him go to school help me settle down. He likes his life here. But South Africa is still my home, number one.” Alex goes back to South Africa every year. She used to take her son Douglas with her, but she thought this year would be the last time. Like his dad, Douglas had no interest in South Africa. “I will go back myself. That’s fine. That’s okay.”

“Who will you vote for?” I asked her the first time that I met her. “ Definitely vote for Hillary Clinton. I think Donald Trump is repulsive, disgusting. I’m horrified that he has done so well. I’m really quite horrified. I don’t think he has the chance of winning though anymore. I’m very excited about a women being elected. I think it’s pretty incredible of 250 years. So many other countries in the world that had women leaders so long now. I think it’s really important. Everybody I know here in New York would never vote for Trump. If Trump was elected as our president, the world will laugh at us, so embarrassing.” However, her father is Trump’s supporter. “I couldn’t talk to him about it.” Alex added.

I am from China. In China, we never vote. So I was so excited that I had a chance to be a witness of United States presidential election of 2016. I went with Alex to see how people vote on the election day. She chose to vote in the early morning before her son went to school. “I think it was very important for him to see how the first woman president was elected.”

After she voted, she said: “my father will be frustrated”, with a big smile on her face. She was so confident that Hillary would win.

“I also wish Hillary could win.” I told her.

“Of course, if Trump win, he will definitely kick you out.” She said. We both considered it a joke.

On our way back, Alex said that she had always been afraid that something horrible would happen on the election day. She was so glad that everything went so well.

However, something horrible did happen the next morning. When I got up, I scrolled down the screen of my phone and saw the news title which was “Xi Jinping congratulates Trump on being elected president of America.” Then I learned that Trump had won the election. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. How could that come true? I felt sad and frustrated inside. Really like a personal lost. I knew something was changing. I was a little scared because I was not sure what would happen. I recalled what Alex said yesterday, “he will definitely kick you out.” After being here 3 months, my future was suddenly filled with all kinds of uncertainty. It felt like that I was a person walking on the bridge and planned my whole future on the other side. But someone broke down the bridge and stole my hope that night. That was cruel.

I had a class that day. So I tried to stop thinking about that and went to class as usual. It was raining. I thought to myself maybe things were not that terrible. When I entered the classroom I pretended I was okay and said out loud hi to everyone. While all of them looked so sad and depressed. Instead of discussing any academic issues, we watched Hillary concession speech together in class.

It was too difficult for me, a new comer, to understand what was happening.

I really wanted to talk to Alex and knew what happened to her after she knew the results. I felt that I was suddenly inside her story and American story.

On November 13, I went to her apartment again. The scene of that Tuesday morning was still clear in my mind.

Alex said that she cried for the results. “It was the first time that I cried for political issue.”

“Did Hillary win?” When her son Douglas woke up, he asked.

“No, could you believe Donald Trump won?” Alex said.

“I’m scared. What does that mean? Is everything gonna change?” he asked.

“You don’t need to be scared. It’s not gonna changed for you. We live in a little liberal bumble here in New York city. Our life will go on. It’s gonna changed for the immigrants, the Muslim, the minorities, the gays. They have to worry. You’re lucky. ” Alex explained to him. Hearing this, my feeling was so complicated. All the words she said was what I wanted to hear. But it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t that lucky.

When her son went back from school that evening, he was crying and said “it was so depressing at school. Everybody was sad.” At that moment, I felt I was in her son’s position. I wanted to cry. I was so scared. I wanted to know what would be changed and what would happen. I hoped that my mother could be around and told me everything would be okay.

After the interview, I told Alex how sad and desperate I was that morning. She looked at me and listened to me silently. When I was leaving, she called me and said: “Xiaoyan, would like to come to my Christmas party?”

“Yes, I would.” I replied.

After the interview, I told Alex how sad and desperate I was that morning. She looked at me and listened to me silently. When I was leaving, she called me and said: “Xiaoyan, would like to come to my Christmas party?”

“Yes, I would.” I replied.